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Judgement Day

Just so you’re all aware – according to current Terminator lore*, Skynet went operational on Tuesday… and Judgement Day, the Rise of the Machines… is today. Time to build that bunker, stock up on beans and buy that gun.

But one thing is for certain… there is no stopping them; the terminators will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new machine overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted IT codemonkey, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground internet caves.

(Apologies in advance – but I’m sure the toiling will be quite pleasant really)

* ‘Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles’ TV series

Twitter Wisdom 2011 – Part 1

In my last post I explained how the combination of a new year and reaching 1000 Twitter followers had given me an idea – to get words of wisdom/profundity from every follower, and create a historical list that will last the ages…

Or something.

But I realised shortly afterwards that asking 1000 people individually ain’t the easiest of jobs – so this might be project for ALL of 2011… Anyways, here is the first batch of Twitter wisdom – thanks to all the contributors!

——————————————————————————————————————

#2 @vertoda: Buy dancing shoes. :)
#3 @JohnDennehy: Don’t put your back out in 2011. If you do, like I did, you’ll truly be part of the tilted generation.
#7 @BBCEntsTeam: “One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in my pyjamas I don’t know” – Groucho Marx
#8 @_davehall: Lend yourself to others, but give yourself to yourself.
#9 @DavidOMahony: No matter how high the throne, they all sit on their arse.
#10 @mrdiscopop: Age ain’t nothing but the last three letters of sausage.
#14 @MovieMoron: A wise man does not accept his third invite to Big Momma’s house
#15 @julie13: I’d give you words of wisdom, but I’m going back to sleep. Which seems pretty wise to me. :)
#16 @celaV: This too shall pass. Good for both bad times & good.
#19 @AnnetteRoche: Take a risk every day
#22 @lorrainelarkin: Never eat yellow snow
#23 @catrinasupple: Don’t eat bread at the ” all you can eat country buffet ” it’s just a waste of seafood space!
#25 @samanthai: “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!” (Ogden Nash)
#34 @fredchannel: FOCUS, avoid distractions, work on stuff that makes you happy, learn how to say NO, ensure to have free time.
#35 @Jimmy_Poodle: The bigger the house, the bigger the whore.
#37 @grainnemurphy: “Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” – St Francis of Assisi
#40 @andylim: Eat vegetables.
#41 @clairehearty: What’s meant for you won’t pass you by
#42 @PaulBrugger: “The future depends on what we do in the present.” – Mahatma Gandhi “What will your future hold?” – Paul Brugger!
#45 @gracesmith: “If it’s to be, it’s up to me”. Go after what you believe in, what you’re passionate about and make things happen for yourself.
#46 @ClaireHammond: Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow!
#49 @Dave98FM: If you’re 35 and more than a little unfit, don’t go paintballing with young, athletic professional footballers as an end-of-season blow-out. You’ll only end up dislocating your ankle, breaking your tibia in two places and your fibula in eight. Fail.
#51 @GHmltn: Even a journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step!
#110 @thewonderanna: Never trust a woman with a moustache (specially if it’s bigger than yours)
#222 @justviolets: A life with too many limitations is no life at all…
#283 @kate0404: Live your life to the fullest, because lots of people are dying who have never died before.
#443 @MaurizioC: Follow your heart & trust your gut instinct!
#479 @sheehanpaul: Lose something? Look in the last place you’d think first, it’s always there.
#501 @Orbeeque: Going through 2011 horizontally rather than vertically will save on shoe leather
#554 @EmmaLouiseuk: Don’t let your happenings destroy your happiness.
#596 @IanQuigley: No body listens to unsolicited advice.
#621 @orlaithf: Laziness is often disguised as hyper-efficiency. Fact.
#628 @DeeJayPaulie: Don’t shoot yourself in the foot
#638 @robertbarron1: If you love what you work at…it never feels like work.
#639 @lightnessalways: Life is like a box of chocolates!.. You never know what you’re going to get!
#664 @deshocks: This too shall pass.
#671 @QueenAnnmarie: Marriage has many pains, but Celibacy has no pleasures.
#705 @jennifercma: The past is the past, we should learn from it not bring it with us. Anger/sadness/arguments should be left there so that we can grow in happiness.
#708 @Jonathanwpurvis: Treat people the way you would like to be treated.
#712 @sazzle84: You cannot create a diamond without pressure.
#756 @umnumnum_cork: If you are going to meet Steve bring your own stepladder. His poor back will thank you in years to come!!
#876 @masterfuji: Expect the worst, hope for the best and take what comes!
#912 @TheWrathOfShaun: Never take the Micky from a Chinese man with a knife.
#921 @purplesars11: “Steel of character is forged in the fires of adversity.” – Martin Luther King Jr
#930 @Lisami75: You can try to make others happy until the cows come home, but if you’re not happy then it’s all a fucking waste of time.
#971 @LauraMulligan: Never piss against the wind.
#986 @scarie: What’s for you won’t pass you.

Submit your own below!

Update: Feel free to tweet me your words of wisdom – but if you’re leaving a comment below, make sure you leave me a clue as to who you are on twitter, if it’s not obvious!

Category: Rambling  Tags: , , ,  2 Comments
1000 opportunities for profundity

2011. A new year. A time to start something fresh.

On the 25th of January, it’ll be my second Twitter birthday. And at the time of writing, I’m getting tantalisingly close to the big 1000 followers mark. With these two events in mind, I’ve been thinking of a way to mark the occasion(s).

And so, over the next few weeks, I’m going to send a message to every single follower of mine – asking a simple question: share a short piece of wisdom/profundity that we can all take with us throughout this new year. Easy peasy.

All replies will posted here on the blog – a lasting directory of wise/humourous/daft words.

Make me proud guys and gals.

Update: As with all great ideas, there’s always the little details that slow you down. Like the actual time involved in messaging nearly 1000 people individually. Yikes. So please feel free to send on your contributions whenever you like – by tweet or comment below. Can we do it? Yes we can!

Update: 1000 followers!

Category: Rambling  Tags: ,  13 Comments
BBC vs RTE

England 1 – 0 Slovenia.

A bravely hard-fought victory?

A superb performance to qualify from the group stage?

Well that depends on what channel you were watching the match on – or more accurately, which punditry team you watched after the event. The BBC (England) and RTE (Ireland) seemed not only to be watching a different match, but a different sport….

Alan Hansen: “Once England got the goal the confidence levels surged, they were excellent.”

Eamon Dunphy: “They just didn’t grow in confidence at all after the goal.”

Gary Lineker: “The goal really settled them, didn’t it? They pushed on from there.”

Ronnie Whelan: “You’d think they’d have kicked on from when they scored, but they actually got worse.”

Roy Hodgson: “England’s crossing has been absolutely outstanding.”

John Giles: “Some of the crossing was just awful.”

Lee Dixon: “A great performance.”

Dunphy: “Shocking…absolutely incredibly bad…pretty awful stuff.”

Lineker: “He looked more like the Rooney we know.”

Whelan: “Rooney is a major worry, his form, his body language, his demeanour, everything.”

Dixon: “Gerrard was outstanding.”

Dunphy: “I can’t believe how bad Gerrard was today.”

Harry Redknapp: “Across midfield we were top drawer.”

Giles: “Barry got worse as the game went on, Milner, Gerrard and Lampard the same.”

Redknapp: “Bring it on! Whoever we play we’ll be difficult to beat.”

Whelan: “If they don’t improve they’ll go straight out, it was a very, very inept performance.”

Category: humour  Tags: , , , , ,  One Comment
10 lies that men tell about themselves…

10: You’re not impressed by famous people
Although your legs did go a bit wobbly when Bob Geldof called you a tit outside Costa Coffee.

9: It’s cool to go on holiday by yourself
With no friends or girlfriend.  And sit in a bar.  And watch the other people having a good time.  Before striking up a conversation with the barman and texting all your mates back home.  Ah, independence.  Lonely, scared, not-sure-what-to-do-until-bedtime independence.

8: You’re more attractive than the girls your mates set you up with
Frankly, it’s getting embarrassing.  If one more girl gets so intimidated by your obvious genius that she doesn’t return your calls, then you might have to have words with the lads about the bunny boilers they keep recommending you to.

7: You don’t need to go to the doctor
If only because it’s obvious that you’re dying.  What’s the point in spending an hour in the waiting room flicking through women’s magazines…when you know that this vicious dose of manflu is destined to be the end of you?

6: You’re a charming drunk
Perhaps it was just your medication ‘disagreeing’ with the booze when you gave that woman a V-sign, shouted at a bouncer, forced a stranger to let you buy him a pint and then strangled him when the barman rang for last orders. Nurofen can do that sometimes.

5: If you were a millionaire footballer you wouldn’t behave like the rest of them
Mind drifts into fantasies of threesomes, sports cars, little people utterly ignored in favour of elaborate parties full of models/hookers and sycophantic agents in sheepskin coats who’ll hopefully milk a few more quid out of the club on your next contract.

4: The ’80s were brilliant
Skinheads… race riots… industrial unrest… mass unemployment… Hillsborough… er, fluorescent socks?… Roland Rat?

3: You can fix that noise in the car engine
Followed swiftly by a frantic phone call to your dad to ask him what he does when a spanner falls into the engine,  and how to stop the suspension bouncing up and down of its own accord, like in a Dr Dre video.

2: You’d be pretty handy in a fight
In the sense that you’d be the first one to completely panic, get beaten fair and square and then stab the other bloke in the arse as he was walking away.  Who cares if he was 12?  He shouldn’t have started it.

1: You totally understand what’s going on in the news
Who are you kidding?  You can barely follow a double-length episode of Eastenders these days…

Category: humour  Tags: , , ,  Leave a Comment
10 things that men should have grown out of…

10: Sibling abuse
Cornering your younger brother, pulling his shirt up over his face and slapping him round the side of the head.  And then doing it harder.  And keeping on slapping him until he’s crying and disorientated and saying, “I don’t like this… I can smell colours…”  Just because you’re bored.  Who cares if he’s 27.

9: Making machine gun noises while holding an umbrella
See also: screwing your pool cue together like it’s an M82A1 high-velocity sniper rifle, and you’ve been charged with the task of disposing of the corrupt president of Mauritania and the loose-lipped, high-class call girl posing as his wife.

8: Cancelling social plans to play Xbox
Come on!  I’ve just got across the bridge on GTA IV.  A new neighbourhood to wreak untold carnage – I can’t leave now!  And it’s not like they can’t do it without me anyway.  It takes what……five people to carry an elderly woman’s coffin?

7: Film posters
Because nothing says ‘sophisticated bachelor-about-town’ than blu-tacking the same tattered Scarface poster to your bedroom wall that every other undergrad got free with a movie magazine four years ago.

6: Puking
If you’re under four, or undergoing chemo for Stage Four lymphatic cancer, maybe you have an excuse.  Maybe.  But if you’re hugging the bowl for mere alcohol abuse at your age, then your body’s giving you a message.  And the message is: “Your liver is about to pop.”

5: Getting overexcited in cars
It’s around a decade since you and your mate first passed your driving tests.  But the second more than two of you are in the car, it’s on.  Ignorant hip-hop up full blast, McDonald’s wrappers flying out of the window and a frantic honking of the horn every time a girl passes.  Just wait until you get out of the car park, then it’ll really kick off.

4: Pointing excitedly at planes
Sole exception: when it’s heading towards your office.

3: Alphabetti Spaghetti
“T…I…T……C…O…C… sorry?  No, just the bill when you’re ready, garçon.”

2: Picking your nose
Mucus, skin particles and germs.  Congealing and multiplying.  In your nose.  Jesus.  If the government was responsible for that disgusting coagulant, they’d have to bury it in a lead-lined chamber in the desert.  Still, wiping it under your desk is just as good.

1: Lifting your feet off the ground when pushing a trolley
And ignoring your girlfriend when she says to be careful.  Then trying to do wheelies.  Before groggily swearing at the lady from the ambulance as she holds smelling salts under your nose.

Category: humour  Tags: , , ,  Leave a Comment
12 things that men only do once…

12: Pat a dog tied up outside a newsagent
Who knew Cerberus, the hound of Hades, was actually a portly Labrador called Gladstone?  Who’s now treating your finger like a chew toy, while his owner jovially assures you he’s “just playing with you”.

11: Climb a bus shelter to impress a girl
And then rue your choice as you look down at your brain-dead, comatose body while your weeping mum pulls the plug.

10: Remove a wart yourself
Turns out holding a Swiss Army Knife over a gas hob for ten minutes and laying the business section of the paper on the kitchen table doesn’t amount to a ‘sterile environment’.

9: Drink any local brew in Cambodia
Before waking up 16 hours later, naked in an alley – wondering why there’s a large scar where your kidneys used to be.

8: Intervene in a drunk couple’s quarrel
Because no matter how diplomatic you are, it still sounds like: “Hey forget about him, shag me.”  Which is why you’re now being chased down the street by your neighbourhoods version of Bonnie & Clyde.  Next time, do the really gentlemanly thing…. stare at the floor, play with a beer mat, and pretend you didn’t see that woman getting a backhander across the chops.

7: Start reading a James Joyce book
The Irish novelist once said, “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.”  One such error might be starting his 250,000 word monster Ulysses, before discovering it’s really boring and doesn’t have any wizards in it.

6: Shoot at animals with an air rifle
Until, one dead cat later, you slip into a deep depression, haunted by nightmares and guilt.  And maybe quit your job, to work for free at the Cats Protection League.  While secretly building a memorial to the ex-moggy out of sticks and your own body hair in your shed.  Look, we’re so sorry.

5: Put your hand down the pocket of a pool table
“Ok, so the fire brigade can’t make it for two hours.  If it hits his wrist it counts as potted.”

4: Offer to set up your dad’s computer
Oh come on, he’s old – don’t let the last thing you say to him be about wireless connections.

3: Click wildly on free pornography pages
Until your screen’s filled with most garish, inhuman, depraved vision of sexual imagery since Caravaggio.  Wonder if he forgot to delete his history afterwards, too?

2: Get your mates to bury you in sand
Up to your neck?  How funny!  Until they wander off to buy a disposable camera, leaving you to fend off rabid dogs and the incoming tide.  Maybe you can build a miniature Hoover Dam with your ear?

1: Make a joke to airport security
And spend the rest of the week unable to sit down after the rubber-glove “session”…

Category: humour  Tags: , , ,  Leave a Comment
10 things that men do when alone…

10: Turn your house into a gym
Jogging up the staircase, press-ups off the window ledge, chin-ups from the door frame.  Christ, it’s just like Linda Hamilton when she’s locked up in that mental home in Terminator 2.  Except, of course, that Linda Hamilton didn’t break all her ribs when ‘bench-pressing the sofa’ went a bit wrong.

9: Explore the darker depths of online pornography
Just what kind of sick bastard do they make this stuff for?  Who in their right mind would get off on this filth?  How does that even fit in………wow.  That’s………incredible.

8: Read OK! or HELLO! magazine
So that’s what a women goes through during her period.  I knew that guy in the boy band was gay.  Maybe I should start using anti-wrinkle cream.

7: Slide around in your socks
Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, yeah?  And you’re cleaning that congealed egg off the kitchen tiles – bonus.

6: Construct gargantuan mealtime combos
What’s so wrong about beans, 6 pieces of bacon and a triple egg omelette – held up with ‘sausage scaffolding’ – anyway? And so what if it’s for breakfast?

5: Abandon hygiene in all its human forms
She’s barely left for work before you’re regressing to complete savagery – waddling around in nothing but a T-shirt with a gritty determination not to brush your teeth.  Next, using the bathroom with the door wide open, while finishing off a sandwich that you found down the back of the couch.

4: Talk to tramps
As if these pavement sages were somehow going to reveal the secrets of the universe.  Rather than just pull down their woolly hat, bellow half a verse of Danny Boy and then headbutt your shins.

3: Put a glass against the wall and listen to the neighbours
Listen in on what you think is them having sex, until you realise that you’ve just spent ten minutes silently masturbating to the sound of the boiler filling up.  And have formed a pressurised vacuum inside your ear.

2: Do a little dance in the changing room mirror
Then remember that they have CCTV these days.

1: Examine your privates in the bathroom mirror on an aeroplane
Then remember that they, too, have CCTV these days.

Category: humour  Tags: , , ,  Leave a Comment
10 things that men can’t take seriously…

10: Eastern Europeans’ Dress Sense
Horrible 1980′s sportswear plus heavy leather coats and snow-washed denim: it’s like football fan, protection mobster and gang rapist rolled into one.  It’d be even funnier if they weren’t still bagging six-foot tall supermodels and earning more money than us.  Bastards.

9: Any Musical Instrument That Doesn’t Plug Into An Amp
Look…if it can’t blow you backwards through the wall, like the beginning of Back To The Future, it’s just pointless.  And yes this most definitely includes those godawful plastic Guitar Hero controllers.

8: Emergency Training Of Any Kind
In-flight safety videos?  Hmm – think I’ll flick pointlessly through the in-flight magazine instead.

Office fire drill?  Perfect opportunity to check out the talent on other floors.

Goggles when paintballing? Sorry…was too busy quoting Predator in an Arnie voice.

But stub our toe on the photocopier? “Hello, Claims Direct…”

7: Appraisals With Your Boss
Or: Two Men Going Through The Motions.  You both know it’s only a contractual formality; as soon as you hear the words “personal goals”, it’s like that bit in The Simpsons when you hear it from a dog’s point of view.

6: The Threat Of Jail For Illegal Downloads
Cyber-crime?  Oh come on.  What are you going to do – e-mail me to prison?

5: Any More Than Three Blades On A Razor
It’s like the philosophy behind Victorian aircraft design: add another wing, and it’s bound to be better.  The average Joe stopped caring after two – and yet somewhere in a room in razor design HQ, there’s a guy going: “Fuck it – let’s push it to seven.”

4: Community Policemen
Sure, they can radio the real ones for back-up.  With the dogs.  And the guns.  But they’re all about 12.  They haven’t even got a proper hat.  And they’ve had what – three days’ training?  We’ve spent years training to be this much of an idiot.

3: Washing Instructions
Square, circle-with-a-cross, triangle. Whatever.

2: Signs
Particularly ones saying ‘Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted’.  Or ‘Don’t Feed The Animals’.  In fact, the lesson only usually hits home when drunk, in a disused building at 2am, and face to face with the grim, slavering reality of what ‘Guard Dogs Patrolling The Premises’ really means.

1: The Recommended Alcohol Intake
“More than 21 units per week can cause serious health problems in later life.”  Christ.  Thank God we have no idea what a “unit” is.  It’s your round!

Category: humour  Tags: , , ,  One Comment
My Letter of Recommendation

Got this from the boss today – am delighted. I never knew he held me in such high regard. That new job is definitely in the bag now…

LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION

1 Steve Healy, in our team of software developers, is always
2 hard at work at his desk.  Steve works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues.  Steve never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks.  Steve is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Steve can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Steve be
12 promoted to senior management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Edit: It’s been pointed out to me that there is something a bit ‘off’ about this letter. Something about only reading the odd-numbered lines? I don’t get it…

Category: humour  Tags: ,  One Comment