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12 things that men only do once…

12: Pat a dog tied up outside a newsagent
Who knew Cerberus, the hound of Hades, was actually a portly Labrador called Gladstone?  Who’s now treating your finger like a chew toy, while his owner jovially assures you he’s “just playing with you”.

11: Climb a bus shelter to impress a girl
And then rue your choice as you look down at your brain-dead, comatose body while your weeping mum pulls the plug.

10: Remove a wart yourself
Turns out holding a Swiss Army Knife over a gas hob for ten minutes and laying the business section of the paper on the kitchen table doesn’t amount to a ‘sterile environment’.

9: Drink any local brew in Cambodia
Before waking up 16 hours later, naked in an alley – wondering why there’s a large scar where your kidneys used to be.

8: Intervene in a drunk couple’s quarrel
Because no matter how diplomatic you are, it still sounds like: “Hey forget about him, shag me.”  Which is why you’re now being chased down the street by your neighbourhoods version of Bonnie & Clyde.  Next time, do the really gentlemanly thing…. stare at the floor, play with a beer mat, and pretend you didn’t see that woman getting a backhander across the chops.

7: Start reading a James Joyce book
The Irish novelist once said, “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.”  One such error might be starting his 250,000 word monster Ulysses, before discovering it’s really boring and doesn’t have any wizards in it.

6: Shoot at animals with an air rifle
Until, one dead cat later, you slip into a deep depression, haunted by nightmares and guilt.  And maybe quit your job, to work for free at the Cats Protection League.  While secretly building a memorial to the ex-moggy out of sticks and your own body hair in your shed.  Look, we’re so sorry.

5: Put your hand down the pocket of a pool table
“Ok, so the fire brigade can’t make it for two hours.  If it hits his wrist it counts as potted.”

4: Offer to set up your dad’s computer
Oh come on, he’s old – don’t let the last thing you say to him be about wireless connections.

3: Click wildly on free pornography pages
Until your screen’s filled with most garish, inhuman, depraved vision of sexual imagery since Caravaggio.  Wonder if he forgot to delete his history afterwards, too?

2: Get your mates to bury you in sand
Up to your neck?  How funny!  Until they wander off to buy a disposable camera, leaving you to fend off rabid dogs and the incoming tide.  Maybe you can build a miniature Hoover Dam with your ear?

1: Make a joke to airport security
And spend the rest of the week unable to sit down after the rubber-glove “session”…

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The iPad: is it really that much of a breakthrough?

blutack_ipad

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10 things that men do when alone…

10: Turn your house into a gym
Jogging up the staircase, press-ups off the window ledge, chin-ups from the door frame.  Christ, it’s just like Linda Hamilton when she’s locked up in that mental home in Terminator 2.  Except, of course, that Linda Hamilton didn’t break all her ribs when ‘bench-pressing the sofa’ went a bit wrong.

9: Explore the darker depths of online pornography
Just what kind of sick bastard do they make this stuff for?  Who in their right mind would get off on this filth?  How does that even fit in………wow.  That’s………incredible.

8: Read OK! or HELLO! magazine
So that’s what a women goes through during her period.  I knew that guy in the boy band was gay.  Maybe I should start using anti-wrinkle cream.

7: Slide around in your socks
Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, yeah?  And you’re cleaning that congealed egg off the kitchen tiles – bonus.

6: Construct gargantuan mealtime combos
What’s so wrong about beans, 6 pieces of bacon and a triple egg omelette – held up with ‘sausage scaffolding’ – anyway? And so what if it’s for breakfast?

5: Abandon hygiene in all its human forms
She’s barely left for work before you’re regressing to complete savagery – waddling around in nothing but a T-shirt with a gritty determination not to brush your teeth.  Next, using the bathroom with the door wide open, while finishing off a sandwich that you found down the back of the couch.

4: Talk to tramps
As if these pavement sages were somehow going to reveal the secrets of the universe.  Rather than just pull down their woolly hat, bellow half a verse of Danny Boy and then headbutt your shins.

3: Put a glass against the wall and listen to the neighbours
Listen in on what you think is them having sex, until you realise that you’ve just spent ten minutes silently masturbating to the sound of the boiler filling up.  And have formed a pressurised vacuum inside your ear.

2: Do a little dance in the changing room mirror
Then remember that they have CCTV these days.

1: Examine your privates in the bathroom mirror on an aeroplane
Then remember that they, too, have CCTV these days.

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10 things that men can’t take seriously…

10: Eastern Europeans’ Dress Sense
Horrible 1980′s sportswear plus heavy leather coats and snow-washed denim: it’s like football fan, protection mobster and gang rapist rolled into one.  It’d be even funnier if they weren’t still bagging six-foot tall supermodels and earning more money than us.  Bastards.

9: Any Musical Instrument That Doesn’t Plug Into An Amp
Look…if it can’t blow you backwards through the wall, like the beginning of Back To The Future, it’s just pointless.  And yes this most definitely includes those godawful plastic Guitar Hero controllers.

8: Emergency Training Of Any Kind
In-flight safety videos?  Hmm – think I’ll flick pointlessly through the in-flight magazine instead.

Office fire drill?  Perfect opportunity to check out the talent on other floors.

Goggles when paintballing? Sorry…was too busy quoting Predator in an Arnie voice.

But stub our toe on the photocopier? “Hello, Claims Direct…”

7: Appraisals With Your Boss
Or: Two Men Going Through The Motions.  You both know it’s only a contractual formality; as soon as you hear the words “personal goals”, it’s like that bit in The Simpsons when you hear it from a dog’s point of view.

6: The Threat Of Jail For Illegal Downloads
Cyber-crime?  Oh come on.  What are you going to do – e-mail me to prison?

5: Any More Than Three Blades On A Razor
It’s like the philosophy behind Victorian aircraft design: add another wing, and it’s bound to be better.  The average Joe stopped caring after two – and yet somewhere in a room in razor design HQ, there’s a guy going: “Fuck it – let’s push it to seven.”

4: Community Policemen
Sure, they can radio the real ones for back-up.  With the dogs.  And the guns.  But they’re all about 12.  They haven’t even got a proper hat.  And they’ve had what – three days’ training?  We’ve spent years training to be this much of an idiot.

3: Washing Instructions
Square, circle-with-a-cross, triangle. Whatever.

2: Signs
Particularly ones saying ‘Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted’.  Or ‘Don’t Feed The Animals’.  In fact, the lesson only usually hits home when drunk, in a disused building at 2am, and face to face with the grim, slavering reality of what ‘Guard Dogs Patrolling The Premises’ really means.

1: The Recommended Alcohol Intake
“More than 21 units per week can cause serious health problems in later life.”  Christ.  Thank God we have no idea what a “unit” is.  It’s your round!

Category: humour  Tags: , , ,  One Comment
CSI One-liners #10

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CSI One-liners #9

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Star Wars Status Updates

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Credit where credit’s due… (College Humor)

Twitter Lonely Hearts

Following on from the Scottish Lonely Hearts ads (see previous entry) – the time seemed right to give Twitter-folk the opportunity to open their hearts – to cry out for that someone special – to find just one person to share this big wide world with.

In a highly non-serious fashion of course.

So it was only fair that I got the ball rolling – and it was absolutely necessary that I ticked all the major loves in my life…

Tall Irishman seeks desperate female for boozing and xbox appreciation. Ladies under 5ft must supply own stepladder. Cake-making is a serious plus.

Now let’s watch the Twitter people pour their hearts out…

Anne Cecil-Kempski Anne11Duke: COMPUTER GEEK WANTED that knows all the right buttons to push. Must know way around hard drive. Rebooting skills a plus. Training required.

Anna Clara Soares annaclarasoares: South-American beauty, toilet trained and vaccinated, looks for billionaire aged 80+ for sincere and passionate relationship.

Lisa Millar lisam75: Impatient, fat, grumpy mum of 2 seeks obscenely rich guitarist with beard. Must have own teeth, walk in wardrobe, and cleaner.

Gina Byrne ByGina: Twitteraholic seeks illiterate husband, i.e. won’t read out tweets as you type, ask inane questions and give out about ‘bloody twitting’.

Samanthai samanthai: Mild Schizophrenic, 37, seeks well-hung male for festive candle-lit dinners, drinking, the odd S&M sexcapade – dancer a plus!

Anne Cecil-Kempski Anne11Duke: BAD HABIT WANTED!! Don’t have to be Mr. Right just Mr. Right Now!! No experience necessary, just a strong desire to learn.

*Michelle Rice* SkittleMittens: Female ex-circus performer, 22, seeks male, hairy, into animals, mutual shaving and adult nappies. Freaks need not apply.

Arlene Harrison VioletsCRUK: Homely dominatrix seeks gimp for walks on the beach, attending knitting classes and candle wax on the nipples. Good whipping skills a must!

Mr Doo scooby867: Male wannabe Liverpool FC captain seeks female, blondette, into cartoon dogs, away ground quickies and jaffacakes. Big boobs not essential.

Category: humour  Tags: , ,  3 Comments
Who Said Romance is Dead in Scotland?

romanceinscotland

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Classic Tracks : 1

So who remembers this? I think this was out when I was 10 or 11….and for that summer, I thought it was the …. Best. Song. EVER.

Ladies and Gentlemen…I present Green Jelly, with Three Little Pigs. A true classic.

Category: music  Tags: , ,  One Comment