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10 lies that men tell about themselves…

10: You’re not impressed by famous people
Although your legs did go a bit wobbly when Bob Geldof called you a tit outside Costa Coffee.

9: It’s cool to go on holiday by yourself
With no friends or girlfriend.  And sit in a bar.  And watch the other people having a good time.  Before striking up a conversation with the barman and texting all your mates back home.  Ah, independence.  Lonely, scared, not-sure-what-to-do-until-bedtime independence.

8: You’re more attractive than the girls your mates set you up with
Frankly, it’s getting embarrassing.  If one more girl gets so intimidated by your obvious genius that she doesn’t return your calls, then you might have to have words with the lads about the bunny boilers they keep recommending you to.

7: You don’t need to go to the doctor
If only because it’s obvious that you’re dying.  What’s the point in spending an hour in the waiting room flicking through women’s magazines…when you know that this vicious dose of manflu is destined to be the end of you?

6: You’re a charming drunk
Perhaps it was just your medication ‘disagreeing’ with the booze when you gave that woman a V-sign, shouted at a bouncer, forced a stranger to let you buy him a pint and then strangled him when the barman rang for last orders. Nurofen can do that sometimes.

5: If you were a millionaire footballer you wouldn’t behave like the rest of them
Mind drifts into fantasies of threesomes, sports cars, little people utterly ignored in favour of elaborate parties full of models/hookers and sycophantic agents in sheepskin coats who’ll hopefully milk a few more quid out of the club on your next contract.

4: The ’80s were brilliant
Skinheads… race riots… industrial unrest… mass unemployment… Hillsborough… er, fluorescent socks?… Roland Rat?

3: You can fix that noise in the car engine
Followed swiftly by a frantic phone call to your dad to ask him what he does when a spanner falls into the engine,  and how to stop the suspension bouncing up and down of its own accord, like in a Dr Dre video.

2: You’d be pretty handy in a fight
In the sense that you’d be the first one to completely panic, get beaten fair and square and then stab the other bloke in the arse as he was walking away.  Who cares if he was 12?  He shouldn’t have started it.

1: You totally understand what’s going on in the news
Who are you kidding?  You can barely follow a double-length episode of Eastenders these days…

Category: humour  Tags: , , ,
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