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10 things that men should have grown out of…

10: Sibling abuse
Cornering your younger brother, pulling his shirt up over his face and slapping him round the side of the head.  And then doing it harder.  And keeping on slapping him until he’s crying and disorientated and saying, “I don’t like this… I can smell colours…”  Just because you’re bored.  Who cares if he’s 27.

9: Making machine gun noises while holding an umbrella
See also: screwing your pool cue together like it’s an M82A1 high-velocity sniper rifle, and you’ve been charged with the task of disposing of the corrupt president of Mauritania and the loose-lipped, high-class call girl posing as his wife.

8: Cancelling social plans to play Xbox
Come on!  I’ve just got across the bridge on GTA IV.  A new neighbourhood to wreak untold carnage – I can’t leave now!  And it’s not like they can’t do it without me anyway.  It takes what……five people to carry an elderly woman’s coffin?

7: Film posters
Because nothing says ‘sophisticated bachelor-about-town’ than blu-tacking the same tattered Scarface poster to your bedroom wall that every other undergrad got free with a movie magazine four years ago.

6: Puking
If you’re under four, or undergoing chemo for Stage Four lymphatic cancer, maybe you have an excuse.  Maybe.  But if you’re hugging the bowl for mere alcohol abuse at your age, then your body’s giving you a message.  And the message is: “Your liver is about to pop.”

5: Getting overexcited in cars
It’s around a decade since you and your mate first passed your driving tests.  But the second more than two of you are in the car, it’s on.  Ignorant hip-hop up full blast, McDonald’s wrappers flying out of the window and a frantic honking of the horn every time a girl passes.  Just wait until you get out of the car park, then it’ll really kick off.

4: Pointing excitedly at planes
Sole exception: when it’s heading towards your office.

3: Alphabetti Spaghetti
“T…I…T……C…O…C… sorry?  No, just the bill when you’re ready, garçon.”

2: Picking your nose
Mucus, skin particles and germs.  Congealing and multiplying.  In your nose.  Jesus.  If the government was responsible for that disgusting coagulant, they’d have to bury it in a lead-lined chamber in the desert.  Still, wiping it under your desk is just as good.

1: Lifting your feet off the ground when pushing a trolley
And ignoring your girlfriend when she says to be careful.  Then trying to do wheelies.  Before groggily swearing at the lady from the ambulance as she holds smelling salts under your nose.

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