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12 things that men only do once…

12: Pat a dog tied up outside a newsagent
Who knew Cerberus, the hound of Hades, was actually a portly Labrador called Gladstone?  Who’s now treating your finger like a chew toy, while his owner jovially assures you he’s “just playing with you”.

11: Climb a bus shelter to impress a girl
And then rue your choice as you look down at your brain-dead, comatose body while your weeping mum pulls the plug.

10: Remove a wart yourself
Turns out holding a Swiss Army Knife over a gas hob for ten minutes and laying the business section of the paper on the kitchen table doesn’t amount to a ‘sterile environment’.

9: Drink any local brew in Cambodia
Before waking up 16 hours later, naked in an alley – wondering why there’s a large scar where your kidneys used to be.

8: Intervene in a drunk couple’s quarrel
Because no matter how diplomatic you are, it still sounds like: “Hey forget about him, shag me.”  Which is why you’re now being chased down the street by your neighbourhoods version of Bonnie & Clyde.  Next time, do the really gentlemanly thing…. stare at the floor, play with a beer mat, and pretend you didn’t see that woman getting a backhander across the chops.

7: Start reading a James Joyce book
The Irish novelist once said, “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.”  One such error might be starting his 250,000 word monster Ulysses, before discovering it’s really boring and doesn’t have any wizards in it.

6: Shoot at animals with an air rifle
Until, one dead cat later, you slip into a deep depression, haunted by nightmares and guilt.  And maybe quit your job, to work for free at the Cats Protection League.  While secretly building a memorial to the ex-moggy out of sticks and your own body hair in your shed.  Look, we’re so sorry.

5: Put your hand down the pocket of a pool table
“Ok, so the fire brigade can’t make it for two hours.  If it hits his wrist it counts as potted.”

4: Offer to set up your dad’s computer
Oh come on, he’s old – don’t let the last thing you say to him be about wireless connections.

3: Click wildly on free pornography pages
Until your screen’s filled with most garish, inhuman, depraved vision of sexual imagery since Caravaggio.  Wonder if he forgot to delete his history afterwards, too?

2: Get your mates to bury you in sand
Up to your neck?  How funny!  Until they wander off to buy a disposable camera, leaving you to fend off rabid dogs and the incoming tide.  Maybe you can build a miniature Hoover Dam with your ear?

1: Make a joke to airport security
And spend the rest of the week unable to sit down after the rubber-glove “session”…

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