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10 things that men do when alone…

10: Turn your house into a gym
Jogging up the staircase, press-ups off the window ledge, chin-ups from the door frame.  Christ, it’s just like Linda Hamilton when she’s locked up in that mental home in Terminator 2.  Except, of course, that Linda Hamilton didn’t break all her ribs when ‘bench-pressing the sofa’ went a bit wrong.

9: Explore the darker depths of online pornography
Just what kind of sick bastard do they make this stuff for?  Who in their right mind would get off on this filth?  How does that even fit in………wow.  That’s………incredible.

8: Read OK! or HELLO! magazine
So that’s what a women goes through during her period.  I knew that guy in the boy band was gay.  Maybe I should start using anti-wrinkle cream.

7: Slide around in your socks
Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, yeah?  And you’re cleaning that congealed egg off the kitchen tiles – bonus.

6: Construct gargantuan mealtime combos
What’s so wrong about beans, 6 pieces of bacon and a triple egg omelette – held up with ‘sausage scaffolding’ – anyway? And so what if it’s for breakfast?

5: Abandon hygiene in all its human forms
She’s barely left for work before you’re regressing to complete savagery – waddling around in nothing but a T-shirt with a gritty determination not to brush your teeth.  Next, using the bathroom with the door wide open, while finishing off a sandwich that you found down the back of the couch.

4: Talk to tramps
As if these pavement sages were somehow going to reveal the secrets of the universe.  Rather than just pull down their woolly hat, bellow half a verse of Danny Boy and then headbutt your shins.

3: Put a glass against the wall and listen to the neighbours
Listen in on what you think is them having sex, until you realise that you’ve just spent ten minutes silently masturbating to the sound of the boiler filling up.  And have formed a pressurised vacuum inside your ear.

2: Do a little dance in the changing room mirror
Then remember that they have CCTV these days.

1: Examine your privates in the bathroom mirror on an aeroplane
Then remember that they, too, have CCTV these days.

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