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10 things that men should have grown out of…

10: Sibling abuse
Cornering your younger brother, pulling his shirt up over his face and slapping him round the side of the head.  And then doing it harder.  And keeping on slapping him until he’s crying and disorientated and saying, “I don’t like this… I can smell colours…”  Just because you’re bored.  Who cares if he’s 27.

9: Making machine gun noises while holding an umbrella
See also: screwing your pool cue together like it’s an M82A1 high-velocity sniper rifle, and you’ve been charged with the task of disposing of the corrupt president of Mauritania and the loose-lipped, high-class call girl posing as his wife.

8: Cancelling social plans to play Xbox
Come on!  I’ve just got across the bridge on GTA IV.  A new neighbourhood to wreak untold carnage – I can’t leave now!  And it’s not like they can’t do it without me anyway.  It takes what……five people to carry an elderly woman’s coffin?

7: Film posters
Because nothing says ‘sophisticated bachelor-about-town’ than blu-tacking the same tattered Scarface poster to your bedroom wall that every other undergrad got free with a movie magazine four years ago.

6: Puking
If you’re under four, or undergoing chemo for Stage Four lymphatic cancer, maybe you have an excuse.  Maybe.  But if you’re hugging the bowl for mere alcohol abuse at your age, then your body’s giving you a message.  And the message is: “Your liver is about to pop.”

5: Getting overexcited in cars
It’s around a decade since you and your mate first passed your driving tests.  But the second more than two of you are in the car, it’s on.  Ignorant hip-hop up full blast, McDonald’s wrappers flying out of the window and a frantic honking of the horn every time a girl passes.  Just wait until you get out of the car park, then it’ll really kick off.

4: Pointing excitedly at planes
Sole exception: when it’s heading towards your office.

3: Alphabetti Spaghetti
“T…I…T……C…O…C… sorry?  No, just the bill when you’re ready, garçon.”

2: Picking your nose
Mucus, skin particles and germs.  Congealing and multiplying.  In your nose.  Jesus.  If the government was responsible for that disgusting coagulant, they’d have to bury it in a lead-lined chamber in the desert.  Still, wiping it under your desk is just as good.

1: Lifting your feet off the ground when pushing a trolley
And ignoring your girlfriend when she says to be careful.  Then trying to do wheelies.  Before groggily swearing at the lady from the ambulance as she holds smelling salts under your nose.

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12 things that men only do once…

12: Pat a dog tied up outside a newsagent
Who knew Cerberus, the hound of Hades, was actually a portly Labrador called Gladstone?  Who’s now treating your finger like a chew toy, while his owner jovially assures you he’s “just playing with you”.

11: Climb a bus shelter to impress a girl
And then rue your choice as you look down at your brain-dead, comatose body while your weeping mum pulls the plug.

10: Remove a wart yourself
Turns out holding a Swiss Army Knife over a gas hob for ten minutes and laying the business section of the paper on the kitchen table doesn’t amount to a ‘sterile environment’.

9: Drink any local brew in Cambodia
Before waking up 16 hours later, naked in an alley – wondering why there’s a large scar where your kidneys used to be.

8: Intervene in a drunk couple’s quarrel
Because no matter how diplomatic you are, it still sounds like: “Hey forget about him, shag me.”  Which is why you’re now being chased down the street by your neighbourhoods version of Bonnie & Clyde.  Next time, do the really gentlemanly thing…. stare at the floor, play with a beer mat, and pretend you didn’t see that woman getting a backhander across the chops.

7: Start reading a James Joyce book
The Irish novelist once said, “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.”  One such error might be starting his 250,000 word monster Ulysses, before discovering it’s really boring and doesn’t have any wizards in it.

6: Shoot at animals with an air rifle
Until, one dead cat later, you slip into a deep depression, haunted by nightmares and guilt.  And maybe quit your job, to work for free at the Cats Protection League.  While secretly building a memorial to the ex-moggy out of sticks and your own body hair in your shed.  Look, we’re so sorry.

5: Put your hand down the pocket of a pool table
“Ok, so the fire brigade can’t make it for two hours.  If it hits his wrist it counts as potted.”

4: Offer to set up your dad’s computer
Oh come on, he’s old – don’t let the last thing you say to him be about wireless connections.

3: Click wildly on free pornography pages
Until your screen’s filled with most garish, inhuman, depraved vision of sexual imagery since Caravaggio.  Wonder if he forgot to delete his history afterwards, too?

2: Get your mates to bury you in sand
Up to your neck?  How funny!  Until they wander off to buy a disposable camera, leaving you to fend off rabid dogs and the incoming tide.  Maybe you can build a miniature Hoover Dam with your ear?

1: Make a joke to airport security
And spend the rest of the week unable to sit down after the rubber-glove “session”…

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The iPad: is it really that much of a breakthrough?


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10 things that men do when alone…

10: Turn your house into a gym
Jogging up the staircase, press-ups off the window ledge, chin-ups from the door frame.  Christ, it’s just like Linda Hamilton when she’s locked up in that mental home in Terminator 2.  Except, of course, that Linda Hamilton didn’t break all her ribs when ‘bench-pressing the sofa’ went a bit wrong.

9: Explore the darker depths of online pornography
Just what kind of sick bastard do they make this stuff for?  Who in their right mind would get off on this filth?  How does that even fit in………wow.  That’s………incredible.

8: Read OK! or HELLO! magazine
So that’s what a women goes through during her period.  I knew that guy in the boy band was gay.  Maybe I should start using anti-wrinkle cream.

7: Slide around in your socks
Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, yeah?  And you’re cleaning that congealed egg off the kitchen tiles – bonus.

6: Construct gargantuan mealtime combos
What’s so wrong about beans, 6 pieces of bacon and a triple egg omelette – held up with ‘sausage scaffolding’ – anyway? And so what if it’s for breakfast?

5: Abandon hygiene in all its human forms
She’s barely left for work before you’re regressing to complete savagery – waddling around in nothing but a T-shirt with a gritty determination not to brush your teeth.  Next, using the bathroom with the door wide open, while finishing off a sandwich that you found down the back of the couch.

4: Talk to tramps
As if these pavement sages were somehow going to reveal the secrets of the universe.  Rather than just pull down their woolly hat, bellow half a verse of Danny Boy and then headbutt your shins.

3: Put a glass against the wall and listen to the neighbours
Listen in on what you think is them having sex, until you realise that you’ve just spent ten minutes silently masturbating to the sound of the boiler filling up.  And have formed a pressurised vacuum inside your ear.

2: Do a little dance in the changing room mirror
Then remember that they have CCTV these days.

1: Examine your privates in the bathroom mirror on an aeroplane
Then remember that they, too, have CCTV these days.

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