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Archive for » January 22nd, 2010«

10 things that men can’t take seriously…

10: Eastern Europeans’ Dress Sense
Horrible 1980′s sportswear plus heavy leather coats and snow-washed denim: it’s like football fan, protection mobster and gang rapist rolled into one.  It’d be even funnier if they weren’t still bagging six-foot tall supermodels and earning more money than us.  Bastards.

9: Any Musical Instrument That Doesn’t Plug Into An Amp
Look…if it can’t blow you backwards through the wall, like the beginning of Back To The Future, it’s just pointless.  And yes this most definitely includes those godawful plastic Guitar Hero controllers.

8: Emergency Training Of Any Kind
In-flight safety videos?  Hmm – think I’ll flick pointlessly through the in-flight magazine instead.

Office fire drill?  Perfect opportunity to check out the talent on other floors.

Goggles when paintballing? Sorry…was too busy quoting Predator in an Arnie voice.

But stub our toe on the photocopier? “Hello, Claims Direct…”

7: Appraisals With Your Boss
Or: Two Men Going Through The Motions.  You both know it’s only a contractual formality; as soon as you hear the words “personal goals”, it’s like that bit in The Simpsons when you hear it from a dog’s point of view.

6: The Threat Of Jail For Illegal Downloads
Cyber-crime?  Oh come on.  What are you going to do – e-mail me to prison?

5: Any More Than Three Blades On A Razor
It’s like the philosophy behind Victorian aircraft design: add another wing, and it’s bound to be better.  The average Joe stopped caring after two – and yet somewhere in a room in razor design HQ, there’s a guy going: “Fuck it – let’s push it to seven.”

4: Community Policemen
Sure, they can radio the real ones for back-up.  With the dogs.  And the guns.  But they’re all about 12.  They haven’t even got a proper hat.  And they’ve had what – three days’ training?  We’ve spent years training to be this much of an idiot.

3: Washing Instructions
Square, circle-with-a-cross, triangle. Whatever.

2: Signs
Particularly ones saying ‘Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted’.  Or ‘Don’t Feed The Animals’.  In fact, the lesson only usually hits home when drunk, in a disused building at 2am, and face to face with the grim, slavering reality of what ‘Guard Dogs Patrolling The Premises’ really means.

1: The Recommended Alcohol Intake
“More than 21 units per week can cause serious health problems in later life.”  Christ.  Thank God we have no idea what a “unit” is.  It’s your round!

Category: humour  Tags: , , ,  One Comment